This is a Joke of a thread

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9 years 2 months ago #115114 by Bob Brogan
This is a Joke of a thread was created by Bob Brogan
The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.

She said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is
especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make
delivery that much easier." Just take several stops and stay on a soft
surface like grass or a path.

She looked at the men in the room, "and Gentlemen, remember -- You're in this together -- It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.

The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.

"Yes, answered the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk??

---- This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught..

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9 years 2 months ago #115115 by Bob Brogan
Bob Brogan on topic This is a Joke of a thread
A golfer is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn on the St Andrews course.



A groundskeeper shouts: 'Dinnae drink tha waater! Et's foo ae coo's shite an pish!'
...


The golfer replies: 'My good fellow, I'm from England. Could you repeat that for me, in English, please!?'



The keeper replies: 'Aye, I said, use two hands - you'll spill less that way!’

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9 years 2 months ago #115477 by shrek
Very good Bob. I never knew the Scot's don't like the English. (:P)

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9 years 2 months ago #115611 by Bob Brogan
Bob Brogan on topic This is a Joke of a thread
New Words for 2011

* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed and who was responsible.

* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything and then leaves.

* SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.

* SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

* SWAMP DONKEY.
A deeply unattractive person..

* AIRPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

* OH-NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (e.g. You've hit 'reply all').

* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

* MONKEY BATH
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!'.

* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

* TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks.

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9 years 2 months ago #115967 by Bob Brogan
Bob Brogan on topic This is a Joke of a thread
An old, blind cowboy from Texas wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

"Before you tell that joke, Tex, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl .

3. I'm a 6-foot tall , 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The blind Texan thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, "Nah...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times...."

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8 years 8 months ago #146999 by Bob Brogan
Bob Brogan on topic This is a Joke of a thread
A guy goes hunting. A gust of wind blows, the gun falls over and discharges, shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."

"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your willy which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."

"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

Not exactly," answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."

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8 years 8 months ago #147008 by Ships Gossip
Ships Gossip on topic This is a Joke of a thread
Paddy says to Mick, Mick the next time you are screwing your Missus, make sure the Curtains are closed, the whole Street was out watching you last night, and everyone was laughing at you.
Mick says, well the joke is on them, I wasn't Home last night

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8 years 8 months ago #147012 by shrek
An Italian husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?" "Oh," replies the husband "she's my mistress". "Well, that's the last straw" says the wife "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that" replies her husband "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. No more credit card and large bank accounts. But... the decision is all yours".

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Tony?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress" says her husband. "Ours is prettier," she replies.

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8 years 8 months ago #147013 by wonbyamile
wonbyamile on topic This is a Joke of a thread
shrek Wrote:
> An Italian husband and wife were having dinner at
> a very fine restaurant when this absolutely
> stunning young woman comes over to their table,
> gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then
> says she'll see him later and walks away.
>
> The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was
> that?" "Oh," replies the husband "she's my
> mistress". "Well, that's the last straw" says the
> wife "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
>
> "I can understand that" replies her husband "but
> remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more
> shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in
> Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more
> Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club. No
> more credit card and large bank accounts. But...
> the decision is all yours".
>
> Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant
> with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman
> with Tony?" asks the wife. "That's his mistress"
> says her husband. "Ours is prettier," she replies.


lol.... thnx shrek.....:D

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8 years 8 months ago #147023 by Tero
Good stuff (tu)

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8 years 8 months ago #147046 by Perpetual
Perpetual on topic This is a Joke of a thread
Harry returns from the pension payout queue pretty chuffed and says to his wife "You know, I'm so flippin' mad right now!". "I spent an hour in the queue, then when I got to the payout counter, I realised that I left my i.d. document at home...I've gone there every month for the last two years but suddenly no-one there wanted to believe that I was of a pensionable age" he says with quite a smirk. "You know that I had to unbutton my shirt, and only after they saw my grey chest hairs did they agree to pay me my pension!"
His wife looks at him with disdain and says: "Well, so you only got your pension then?...I bet if you pulled down your pants, they'd have given you a disability payout as well!!!!"

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8 years 8 months ago #147052 by shrek
Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain-smoker, and one was a homosexual. The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die."

The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice.

While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar.

The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and smelling the ale, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead.

His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realising how seriously they must take the doctor's words.

As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning.

The homosexual looked at the chain-smoker and said, "You know if you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead".

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8 years 8 months ago #147072 by Green Pony
Green Pony on topic This is a Joke of a thread
A racehorse owner takes his horse to his vet.

“Will I be able to race this horse again?” he asks

The vet replies: “Of course you will, and you’ll probably win!”

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8 years 8 months ago #147074 by RobP
Wisdom in Phrases



Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..
- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
- Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..
- W. C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..
- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal

And the cardiologist's diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.

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8 years 8 months ago #147075 by RobP
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

'What does it look like?' she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.'

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.
'Here it is,' she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, 'OK, you can go I didn't realize you were a cop.

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8 years 8 months ago #147076 by RobP
DATING IN THE 60'S

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1961, and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.
He arrived at her house and rang the bell.
'Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.
'Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?'
'Iced tea, please,' Fred said. Mom brought the iced tea.
'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she asked.
'Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..'
'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mom informed him.
'Really?' Fred replied, his eyebrows rising.
'Oh yes,' the mother continued, 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do! Screw, again and again !!'
'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous.
'Yes,' said the mother 'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'
'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.
A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a
picture, wearing a pink blouse and a hooped skirt, and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail.
She greeted Fred..
'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left..
Two hours later, a completely dishevelled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.
'The Twist, Mom!' she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen.
'The dance is called the Twist !!!'

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8 years 8 months ago #147078 by RobP
A woman sitting at a restaurant in Brakpan suddenly began to cough while
eating a giant country-fried steak. After a few seconds it became
Apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals at the next table
turned to look at her.
"Kan you like swallow?" asked one.
The woman signalled 'No', desperately shaking her head." Kan you like
breeve?" asked the other.
The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shook her head 'No. With that,
the first Brakpan ou walked over to her, lifted up the back of her
skirt, pulled down her panties, and quickly ran his tongue up and down
the woman's butt crack.
This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction
flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.
The man slowly walked back over to his table and proudly took another
sip of his Klipdrift & Coke.
His partner said in admiration, "Ma se moer, I did heard of that Hind
Lick Manoeuvre, but I never did saw anybody done it before.....

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8 years 8 months ago #147079 by RobP
A magician on cruise liner always has his tricks ruined by the ships parrot. Each time he does a trick the parrot squawks. "It's in his pocket. Four of clubs. It's got a false bottom". The magician hates it. That night the ship sinks & the two cling to a piece of driftwood. For four days the parrot says nothing & just stares at him. Eventually the parrot says "Okay smart arse I give up. Where's the f*cking ship?"

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8 years 8 months ago #147081 by RobP
Sipho and Jonas are both beggars at several highway off-ramps.

Sipho drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house in Sandton, and has a lot of money to spend.

Jonas only brings in R20 to R30 a day. Jonas asks Sipho how he manages to bring home a suitcase full of R10 notes every day.

Sipho says; "Look at your sign, it says, 'I have no work, a wife and six kids to support,' South Africans who see that do not feel as if they accomplish anything by giving you money. You will still have no job and a large family."

Now look at my sign.

So Jonas looks and Sipho's sign reads, "I only need another R10 to move back to Zimbabwe."

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8 years 8 months ago #147082 by RobP
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

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