Bad Attendance - joke

This a a good one !!!!!Sup for the guy's thats alway's late !

Philemon had a bad attendance record with the company he worked for,
particularly being late for work in the morning. He was called to a
disciplinary hearing where he was given a chance to explain his reasons.

His argument: "I get up in the morning. I shower to avoid Aids, I look
in the mirror and try tuh straiten my hair. Then I sumtimes miss de texi
and then I am late."

His boss has a bright idea He gets one of Philemon's colleagues to
sneak into Philemon's rooms and steal the mirror off the wall, without
Philemon's knowledge.

The following day Philemon does not turn up for work. The same happens
the day after that. So Philemon gets summoned to another hearing to
explain his reasons for not attending work.

His argument: "I get up in de morning. I shower to avoid Aids, I look in
de mirror. I see no Philemon. I think Philemom alredy left for work"

El, Hows business mate, here's a another good one............


A PROSTITUTE ASKED A PLASTIC SURGEON TO MAKE ANOTHER HOLE FOR

HER.

THE SURGEON WAS SUPRISED & ASKED WHY?



SHE REPLIED: "BUSINESS IS GOOD.

I WANT TO OPEN ANOTHER BRANCH"!!!

Piet and Anna went to the Garies Landbou Skou every year.
Every year, Piet would ask:
"Anna, ek wil bietjie in daai helikopter vlieg."
And every year, Anna would answer:
"Jong, Piet, daai helikopter vlug kos vyftig rand. En vyftig rand is
vyftig rand!"

One year, Piet and Anna went to the fair again. Piet said: "Jong,
Anna, vandag is ek 71 jaar oud. As ek nie nou op daardie helikopter klim
nie, dan kan ek maar vergeet." Anna replies: "Jong Piet, daai helikopter
vlug kos vyftig rand. En vyftig rand is vyftig rand!"

The pilot overheard them, and since it was a quiet day, he decided to
have some fun. "Ek se julle wat. Ek neem julle altwee vir 'n rytjie. As
julle vir die hele vlug stil bly, dan is die vlug verniet. So nie, dan
betaal julle vyftig rand!"

Piet and Anna agree to the conditions, and into the chopper they got..

The pilot took off, and did all sorts of rolls,dives, twists, turns
and tricks.

Not a word was said. He did all his tricks over again, this time even
scaring himself. Still not a word was said.

They landed and the pilot turned to Piet:
"Bliksem! So iets het ek nog nie gesien nie! Ek het tot myself bang
gevlieg, maar julle twee het niks gese nie!"

Piet replied: "Ek wou so graag iets gese het toe Anna uitgemoer het,
maar vyftig rand is vyftig rand!"

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?" The blonde said, "How about R50 " The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?" The man replied, "She should. She was standing in it."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the R50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

Good one Tich.

Tich, lets see if u can do better, here goes

Boer maak 'n plan, maar 'n Indian maak MAGIC

An old man lived alone in Chatsworth. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, Cyril, who used to help him, was in Westville Prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

"Dear Cyril, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't
be able to plant my potato garden this year. I'm just getting too old
to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would
be over. I know you would dig the plot for me. Love, PA" A few days later he received a letter from his son.

"Dear Pa, For heaven's sake, Pa, don't dig up that garden, that's where I Buried the BODIES. Love, Cyril."

At 4 A.M. the next morning, the Scorpion Unit, NIA agents and local police showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.

They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

"Dear Pa, Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.


Love Cyril.

superb
lmao

This my friend is a classic. Enjoy.


A man and a woman are having some drinks and they get into a discussion
> about who enjoys sex more. The man says, “ Men obviously enjoy sex more
> than women. Why do you think we’re so obsessed with getting laid?”
> “That does not prove anything,” says the woman. “Think about this; when
> your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it
around,
> then pull it out, which feels better, your ear or your finger?”

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies, "there's a diagnostic computer down at Woolworth's. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

It takes ten seconds and costs R20.00 - a lot quicker and cheaper than a doctor."

So Joe deposits urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Woolies. He deposits R20.00, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout :

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

Thank you for shopping @ Woolies."

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Woolies, eager to check the results. He deposits R20.00, pours in his concoction and waits for the results.The computer prints out the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer!. (1st Floor)

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!!

Thank you for shopping @ Woolies.

Good one, Tich, keep em coming. Watch your elbow mate.

Paddy had been drinking in his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night to celebrate St. Patrick's Day

Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy"

Paddy replies, " O.K. Mick, I'll be on my way then"

Paddy spins round on his bar-stool, steps off and falls flat on his face.

"Shoite" he says, pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, "Shoite, Shoite!"

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that he can just make it to get some fresh air and belly crawls to the door, pulls himself up by the door-frame.

He sticks his head outside, takes some deep breaths, feels much better and takes a step out of the door. He falls flat on his face on the pavement.

"Be-jeysus I'm fockin' focked" he says.

He can see his house a few doors down the street and crawls to his front door, hauls himself up by the door-frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look at the stairs and says "No fockin' way" so crawls up the stairs
to his bedroom door and says to himself, "I can make it into bed". He pulls himself up by the bedroom door-frame, takes a step into the bedroom and falls flat on his face. He says "fockit" and crawls into bed.

The next morning, Jess, his wife brings him coffee and says, "time to get up, Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"

Paddy says, "Aye, I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed, but how'd you know?"

"Mick from the pup phoned - you left your wheelchair behind the bar!"

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance. It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"